4:34 am

life doesn’t feel how i think it’s supposed to feel.

i’m lost because i have merely found my self worth and the love i am receiving is not love worth pleading.

a never ending waiting game of words and actions that stay parallel from each other.

i echo your name but you never hear how i say it really, how i mean it to be heard by you. how i call for you in my sleep and in the day all day imagining what it’d be like to talk to you and not be misunderstood.

do you think i wanted to love and have lost or do you think i wanted to compare and contest myself against others that have no contrast to me at all.

know me not for you have lost me in ideas that are far from my truth

i came a long way so i thought, all the way for a city that once had different meaning, now’s become known for you and me. but tonight i feel lost because i know now that i have failed myself in what i wanted to be when i was growing up.

to be a fearless woman of love and intelligence. no one could break my barriers no one would hurt my vision of how i saw love and my self.

but here i am tonight once again, just growing up every night. canceling out my options. making lists and circling words within these lists.

time moves but i am still. in this room with sounds of nothing and my heart loudly thumping.

i am tired of waiting for something to happen, and now i see that is my mistake and always has been… waiting instead of doing.

goodnight small epiphany <—– it only matters if it enforces a change for the better.

it’s 4:43 now.

(current mood board)

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