fuck it

It feels like someone swallowed my heart, now it’s completely gone.

It feels like someone took everything I had to offer this world and threw it into the sea.

It feels like my words have no meaning and even when I try to look up at the stars I find myself looking back down on the sidewalk because I don’t want to see anything beautiful anymore.

It feels like a never ending cycle of pain that I’ve handed myself over to. I’ve given myself to the bad place.

I sit in the library, in a cubicle minding my own business and thereafter I’m facedown screaming silently into the inside of my arm.

I know I’m crying and it hurts so bad. It hurts to cry alone in between all these people.

I fear I have told my story to someone who never even wanted to hear it, let alone understand it.

I fear I have lost my heart. My mind is caught in a state of nonexistence.

A young woman, so hard on herself, yet somehow not hard enough. What a line.

I get up unable to continue to sit there holding my breath to keep quiet.

I walk. I walk so fast I can feel myself starting to jog. Honestly I just want to run in the midst of these people screaming HELP ME HELP ME SOMEONE HELP HELP WHY DOES IT HURT THIS BAD. But I just walk fast and keep my head down under my hat.

I walk up the stairs. My keys drop from my hands as I try to open the front door. Once I go inside, I’ll be stuck there alone.

I run to my room, falling into my bed. I scream into my pillow, And I remember not everyone feels things as deeply as I do.

I feel so alone,,,,,

but I know I am not.

But I am still alive.

i am living proof that pain is just pain and we are all subjected to it forever until we die.

all we can do is feel it

I am still writing.

I am still here and I hear the music loudly.

I can hear my heart loud and clear. I’m still here.

 

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